Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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