i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
