Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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