Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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