She said her name was "party"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
i believe in u and ur pee
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
