Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
