and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
