Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I need moral support for this bender
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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