hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
