I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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