but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
