I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Who died my cat blue again?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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