i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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