Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
