Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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