And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
there's paper in my vomit.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
