I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
