why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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