Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
