i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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