when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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