I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
