Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
