so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
