I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
