I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
