do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
