This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
