I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
