dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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