she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
