The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
