my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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