My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
