Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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