i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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