we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
