If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
