I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
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