Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
