I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
