her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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