Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
