based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
