I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
