What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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