the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
