Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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