i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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