I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
