I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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