I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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