How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
